User talk:PassionFroott
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the The Right Spot page. Please be sure to read all of the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! ClericofMadness (talk) 17:20, September 3, 2017 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 17:21, September 3, 2017 (UTC) Re: Story It was deleted because it's not particularly well-told for a piece of flash fiction. I get the premise, but a lot more needs to be done with the execution of the plot. Even if we're to ignore the awkward wording of lines like: "With the tall glasses and bottle set aside, it felt like the fluid had drained to my loins." and "I felt his girth bend to the contours of my contorting walls.", it still has problems in the execution of the premise. It feels like there needs to be quite a lot more added to this story to make it effective as the ending is abrupt and doesn't do a good job of really conveying the horror of the situation. Right now, it comes across more like the plot points for a story rather than an actual story. One user wrote a story a while ago called Psychoanapesis in which something goes wrong during intercourse that portrays the horror of the situation effectively while properly setting the stage. With your story, it feels more rushed as there isn't much to latch on to (with characters, the setting, or plot) that make the work feel engaging. It comes off like the last line was added to the story to give a semi-horror story feel to it on a completely different genre of story. If the line were removed, it would lose all semblance of a horror story which means that there really isn't any build-up to make the idea feel effective here. Those were my main reasons. Here's a guide on flash fiction if you're looking for more ways to improve on the idea. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 17:58, September 3, 2017 (UTC) Though I appreciate your feedback, I don’t have any intentions of changing my story. The point behind it was to constrain the word count to a very specific number while still staying within the horror genre. You may feel that it is too short, that my characters lack depth, or that the setting isn’t well established, but that isn’t the story’s point. The lack of “depth” these characters have is to place it in as generic a setting as possible to better place the reader into the situation, as I felt too many details would alienate my audience. It feels like a different genre because it is designed to be: it’s meant to make the impact of the final line more effective due to the switch. Even in the reference page you cited, the first story it uses as an example is “Mother’s Call”, the same points you are arguing for can be applied to it as well. Where’s the characterization of the mother and daughter? Other than the kitchen being downstairs, what is the layout of this house? Where is this house even located? Where’s the father? It’s of equal length, but what do you feel makes this better? In your other reference story, Psychoanapesis, it’s goal is to be a much different style of story due to its supernatural elements. Just because similar plot elements are in other stories, it does not mean that they can be compared to one another. Is this Psychoanapesis story a lesser Creepypasta because it doesn’t read anything like Normal Porn for Normal People? Due to being much more grounded in reality, what more is there for me to elaborate on or foreshadow? The ending would still be the same. Off-site I’ve had many people review this pasta and consider it fine, so I don’t agree that changes are necessary. Again, thank you for your time, but I’d rather keep the original concept of the story in-tact rather than flood it with what many people would consider to be unnecessary details simply to keep it up on this page. Have a good evening. PassionFroott (talk) 02:13, September 4, 2017 (UTC) ::That's fine, although I will say I disagree with a number of your assumptions. You actually get quite a lot out of a story like Mother's Call. You can infer the relationship of the family (mother and young daughter), understand that there's an entity who is mimicking the mother's voice, and end on the nebulous implication about which of the character's is the original. You can flesh out that story to a multiple page one or leave it as is. With yours, it feels essential to strengthen the concept with more details. In yours, all you can really imply is that two people have sex and there's a snapping sound. This could be a story about vagina dentata or just a woman with incredibly strong vaginal muscles. Due to the lack of effective wording, you really can't reach a set conclusion here its vague nature doesn't really work. Having only one line that's specifically horror-related gives it a very "and then a skeleton popped out" feeling to it, which I don't feel does the premise justice. ::As for Psychoanapesis, I was just using that as an example for how you can build on the sex scene to make the story more effective. I drew a comparison to a similar story to point out description that I found more effective. A final note: "Due to being much more grounded in reality, what more is there for me to elaborate on or foreshadow? The ending would still be the same" There's quite a lot more you could add. If you're driving for a real feeling, give the audience something to ground it in reality more rather than a one line twist. Using that logic, you're putting all the emphasis on the end line of a story and nothing on the build-up/tension an author should create. Using that logic, a jump scare concept like FNaF or a screamer video would be as effective as The Exorcist or The Thing because it forgoes tension in favor of jumping into the terror almost immediately. That being said, it's your opinion. I disagree and really don't think your story works effectively as it is. If you feel like it's fine with how it is and found a community who is willing to accept it in its current state, more power to you. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 02:43, September 4, 2017 (UTC)